To wake and be lost.
I had a whacked dream last night and it was one of those dreams that really sticks with you and messes with your head after you wake up.
My dream:
In my dream last night some of my friends and I were having lunch on a picnic table under a tree somewhere. We were all jabbering about inconsequential stuff when my friend Darin taps my shoulder and asks me a the question:
"Isn't that so & so?" (So & so being the name of one my ex girlfriends from some time ago.) I look and tell him "no" because the girl walking by us is skinny and my ex was never skinny. But Darin asks me if I'm sure, so I take another look and she happens to look over towards us and I realize it is my ex! She either doesn't see me or doesn't recognize me and keeps walking by. We go back to jabbering about random stuff.
A few minutes later I decide to go talk to my ex. (In real life I have been thinking alot about my past and some of the things that went on and have been talking to various people I knew before and in the bad situations trying to make things right. Well, I had been a total jerk to this ex...) I wanted to apologize for how things ended. So I started walking towards where she was walking when I saw her walk into a mini mall thing. I picked up the pace to catch her.
The first place in the mall was a Kentucky Fried Chicken and I swore I saw her in it. I walked in and the line for the place was massive. I was trying to look around people to find her without much luck. I was standing near the front of the line getting dirty looks from people in the back and middle of the line when I caught a glimpse of her walking into a different place and I cut through the line to get out of the KFC.
I can't for the life of me remember what kind of place it was that I went into next but it had lines, too. I think it may have been a hair cutting place cause when I found my ex she was sitting in a chair. At this point Darin caught up with me and was gasping for air. I said hello to my ex. She looked at me funny. I started talking her and started to stumble out an apology for how things were and stuff when she cut me off and dropped a bomb.
She said: "That's fine, but I still don't want you in Alec's life. She's done just fine without you and you haven’t been around so we don't need you."
(In real life, this was the girl I lost my virginity to. Well, we lost our virginities together...we were dumb and did not use any 'protection' at all. When I broke it off there were some harsh words and we never spoke again. I don't even recall seeing her ever again. Even though I had stopped in front of her place a few dozen times and thought about walking up and seeing if she was home, I never actually had the guts to do it and as the years passed, the idea only grew sillier and sillier.)
This information slammed me like a ton of bricks. I looked down at my wedding ring and fiddled with it. I looked back at her and told her that I had no idea that she had even been pregnant. I told her that wasn't why I was apologizing. I told her that no one had told me. She gave me this stunned look and it appeared that she had assumed I looked her up and found her for that very reason. Her harsh expression melted and she asked if I wanted to meet Alec. I said "yes" and we walked out of that mini mall and down the street.
She told me she was attending De Anza college (a real community college not far from where I live and that I attended not long ago) with her husband. At this point a youn looking guy walked up and took her back pack. She said that it was her husband, but I don't remember the name. She then told him that she would be picking up Alec from the Child Development Center (the CDC is a department at De Anza that teaches early childhood stuff and serves as a daycare for the college). He agreed and left.
When we got to the CDC I saw that the child was not 10 like she should have been if the timeline was correct, but rather just a baby, but somehow in my dream was not a problem. (Dreams really need a lesson in continuity.) When I saw the baby I was too stunned to talk. My ex jut held her in front of me as we walked down a flight of stairs. When we got to the bottom there was this strange door that opened similar to a garage door except that it opened outwards instead of in and was the size of a normal door except that the opening was so small we had to crawl to get inside.
After we were in she explained that it was the dorm she was living in. I looked around and it was like some kind of weird bunker. There were about 2 dozen bunk beds all lined up next to each other with zero privacy and at the end of the room next to us there was another room that had a chain link fence and door. Behind it was several computers and a couple guys playing computer games. She explained that it was a Coed dorm and the she and her husband were hoping to get out soon. She laid the baby down and I just watched Alec as she cooed.
For some reason I fell asleep on the bunk above and when I woke up my ex and the baby were gone. I looked around feeling drained and disoriented. I talked briefly to one of the other people in the dorm to ask if he knew where they went, but he didn't. I went back under the weird gate/door and this time it had puddles of water around it so I got the knees of my pants wet. When I got back outside I was just standing at De Anza college looking around not seeing them.
And then I woke up and I still feel drained and disoriented. It was just enough real to make me wonder.
My dream:
In my dream last night some of my friends and I were having lunch on a picnic table under a tree somewhere. We were all jabbering about inconsequential stuff when my friend Darin taps my shoulder and asks me a the question:
"Isn't that so & so?" (So & so being the name of one my ex girlfriends from some time ago.) I look and tell him "no" because the girl walking by us is skinny and my ex was never skinny. But Darin asks me if I'm sure, so I take another look and she happens to look over towards us and I realize it is my ex! She either doesn't see me or doesn't recognize me and keeps walking by. We go back to jabbering about random stuff.
A few minutes later I decide to go talk to my ex. (In real life I have been thinking alot about my past and some of the things that went on and have been talking to various people I knew before and in the bad situations trying to make things right. Well, I had been a total jerk to this ex...) I wanted to apologize for how things ended. So I started walking towards where she was walking when I saw her walk into a mini mall thing. I picked up the pace to catch her.
The first place in the mall was a Kentucky Fried Chicken and I swore I saw her in it. I walked in and the line for the place was massive. I was trying to look around people to find her without much luck. I was standing near the front of the line getting dirty looks from people in the back and middle of the line when I caught a glimpse of her walking into a different place and I cut through the line to get out of the KFC.
I can't for the life of me remember what kind of place it was that I went into next but it had lines, too. I think it may have been a hair cutting place cause when I found my ex she was sitting in a chair. At this point Darin caught up with me and was gasping for air. I said hello to my ex. She looked at me funny. I started talking her and started to stumble out an apology for how things were and stuff when she cut me off and dropped a bomb.
She said: "That's fine, but I still don't want you in Alec's life. She's done just fine without you and you haven’t been around so we don't need you."
(In real life, this was the girl I lost my virginity to. Well, we lost our virginities together...we were dumb and did not use any 'protection' at all. When I broke it off there were some harsh words and we never spoke again. I don't even recall seeing her ever again. Even though I had stopped in front of her place a few dozen times and thought about walking up and seeing if she was home, I never actually had the guts to do it and as the years passed, the idea only grew sillier and sillier.)
This information slammed me like a ton of bricks. I looked down at my wedding ring and fiddled with it. I looked back at her and told her that I had no idea that she had even been pregnant. I told her that wasn't why I was apologizing. I told her that no one had told me. She gave me this stunned look and it appeared that she had assumed I looked her up and found her for that very reason. Her harsh expression melted and she asked if I wanted to meet Alec. I said "yes" and we walked out of that mini mall and down the street.
She told me she was attending De Anza college (a real community college not far from where I live and that I attended not long ago) with her husband. At this point a youn looking guy walked up and took her back pack. She said that it was her husband, but I don't remember the name. She then told him that she would be picking up Alec from the Child Development Center (the CDC is a department at De Anza that teaches early childhood stuff and serves as a daycare for the college). He agreed and left.
When we got to the CDC I saw that the child was not 10 like she should have been if the timeline was correct, but rather just a baby, but somehow in my dream was not a problem. (Dreams really need a lesson in continuity.) When I saw the baby I was too stunned to talk. My ex jut held her in front of me as we walked down a flight of stairs. When we got to the bottom there was this strange door that opened similar to a garage door except that it opened outwards instead of in and was the size of a normal door except that the opening was so small we had to crawl to get inside.
After we were in she explained that it was the dorm she was living in. I looked around and it was like some kind of weird bunker. There were about 2 dozen bunk beds all lined up next to each other with zero privacy and at the end of the room next to us there was another room that had a chain link fence and door. Behind it was several computers and a couple guys playing computer games. She explained that it was a Coed dorm and the she and her husband were hoping to get out soon. She laid the baby down and I just watched Alec as she cooed.
For some reason I fell asleep on the bunk above and when I woke up my ex and the baby were gone. I looked around feeling drained and disoriented. I talked briefly to one of the other people in the dorm to ask if he knew where they went, but he didn't. I went back under the weird gate/door and this time it had puddles of water around it so I got the knees of my pants wet. When I got back outside I was just standing at De Anza college looking around not seeing them.
And then I woke up and I still feel drained and disoriented. It was just enough real to make me wonder.
posted by Laje Kahr at 8:09 AM
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